Tuesday, February 07, 2006

"If I haver, I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you."

"So I have been hearing second-hand stories about there being someone in a seminar with me who had been making "ignorant" and "anti-religious" comments in lecture. This was from a friend of mine who has recently begun hanging out with the person making these claims. The friend kept questioning me as to what the nature of those comments had been and the atmosphere of the class. I told that friend, jokingly, that since I couldn't remember anyone with even remotely an anti-religious tone (it's a class on Milton), it was probably me. I mentioned that I was one of the only people that ever responds (in an unusually large class) and most of the questions I respond to are of the nature "What meter is this in?" In other words, factual questions. Break time comes, today, and someone comes back in with a cup of coffee from this place on campus that I haven't gone to, yet. I ask if the place takes cards. He says, do you need to borrow money, too? I say, no, I just want to know if that place takes cards because I might go there sometime for lunch. I never carry cash. He says in this extremely put-upon tone, look, a dollar's not a big deal--I'm generous even with atheists. I say, did you just call me an atheist? He said, well, you are. I said, no, actually, I'm not. He said, well, you have a tendency to say things about faith that make me a little bit uncomfortable. As if everyone's beliefs across the board can be measured against his comfort level. I say, Oh, okay, well, I'm sorry. I say, it wasn't my intent to make anyone uncomfortable. He says, in an extremely bitchy voice while narrowing his eyes at me: Good to know. I say, whatever, let me know if I say anything that makes you feel uncomfortable--just point it out to me. I'm pissed, now, though, because of the tone and the way this guy's looking at me. So, now, I, being me, try to ease the tension by saying--"Just for the record, I'm not an atheist. I am totally convinced there's a god, and I think he is a dick." Classic Dan Tanner move that doesn't help anything. And then I chuckle. Class starts back up, and about fifteen minutes later, I look over at this guy's notes--because he writes with this old fashioned fountain pen that's really nice, and it's fun to watch the ink run all over and get all over his fingers--and see that he has written, "I believe in God. He is a jerk," with the tag "--so said the atheist." Not only was I misquoted, I was then labeled with the thing that started the whole thing. I was angered beyond all reason. I mean, to a point that I haven't been for actions directed against me in, say, 4 good years. The misquote and the assumption just about drove me out of my skull. I don't know why, but I guess it's because part of me made the connection that I was probably the one this guy thought was making ignorant comments. And I can't do anything about it, because it's none of my business what he writes in his notes upside down and across the table three spots down. I'm sorry if describing the function of mirror neurons to the class made you feel "uncomfortable" about your faith, guy. If you like to be comfortable, you should find people that care whether your comfort level is being stepped on in the course of reading a canonical poem. If you like to be comfortable, you shouldn't take a class at one of the most skeptical universities in North America. If you like to be comfortable, you shouldn't be in grad school. And you sure as hell shouldn't be in a room with me--especially now that I know that I make you uncomfortable. If you like to be comfortable, you should get comfortable with discomfort or your snarky notes will be a very cold kind of comfort at the end of the day." --so said the atheist.

5 comments:

JC! said...

I always thought the lyric was "if I heve-a," as in some hilariously Scot-tastic way of saying "heave". I like your version a little better.

Oh, and sucks to that guy. Xenu's intergalactic movie theater has totally got his body thetans all confused.

Anonymous said...

That was actually one of the few times I've yelled at a dictionary: I heard that song and looked up "haver" and it said "see MAUNDER." So I looked up "maunder" and it said "obs. Scot. see HAVER."

Okay, that's not entirely true. Based on a lifetime of accrued circumstantial evidence, I yell at dictionaries way more often than other people do.

Anyway, hey. Great story. I especially like the part where that guy's totally going to use that quote in conversations with his friends for years to come.

-Z

Anonymous said...

If people are going to make false assumptions, though, wouldn't you rather they assume you are an atheist than an xian? You could follow my strategy and get it tattooed on your chest. I probably would wear extra-low-cut shirts for the rest of the quarter. They are so good for scaring away fundies.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck is a haver anyway?
-AK

care said...

um, isn't he like going to hell for judging you or something? ;)

seriously though...in college I found myself on both sides of that issue. As a Freshman I was "too Bible-oriented." And as a Junior someone accused me, yes me, of being anti-religious because I was "too open-minded." People are nuts. Just hope he spells your name right when he quotes you in his memoir, and that he grows up enough to be willing to write the word "dick" on paper.

PS-I wanna read the rest of your novel...